Joke Collection

New exercise Routine !

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. Caution: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.


BUG Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know-the sign-makers-are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." Better start stocking up on those Big Macs today, since soon all you will be able to get are going to be Whoppers...


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand . . .

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

It's No Boat
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I repeat, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I repeat, you divert YOUR course.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A Writer's Afterlife

A writer dies and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both.

The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. Your general hell scene.

"Wow, this sucks," quoth the writer, "let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. It looks and smells even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked, "this is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

Parrot Problems

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Barnyard Wisdom

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal. He flew down and ate and ate and ate. When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. You won't be surprised to learn that like any good fable this one has a moral. Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

Symptoms of Inner Peace

Be on the lookout for Symptoms of Inner Peace! The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to Inner Peace, and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has been, up to now, a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world!

Some Signs and Symptoms of Inner Peace:

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experience.

A loss of interest in judging other people and in interpreting their actions.

A loss of interest in conflict.

A loss of the ability to worry (very serious symptom).

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation and enjoyment

Feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

Frequent attacks of smiling (also very serious).

An increasing tendency to ALLOW things to happen, rather than to MAKE them happen.

An increased susceptibility to the LOVE extended by others, and the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

TRANSMUTE NOW . . . Avoid the Rush!

The Priest and the Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

One Day in the Empire State Building

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.

The 2nd man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whipshim around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upatairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balconey, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, and 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know Superman you're a real asshole when your drunk!"


A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American:

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

Steamboats' Computer Terms

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off:Don't add no more wood.

Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the farwood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.

Floppy Disk: What ya git from pilin' too much firewood.

Ram: The hydraulic thing that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.

Prompt: the mail ain't in the winter time.

Windows:What to shut when it's 15 below.

Screen: What ya need for the black fly season.

Byte: That's what the flies do.

Chip: What ya munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What ya did to the hay fields.

Random Access Memory: When ya cain't remember what ya paid fer the rifle when your wife asks.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top:Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang yer keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: What eats the horses' grain.

Main Frame:Holds up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in.



by Warren Jokinen

1. Microsoft Works

2. Religious tolerance

3. Exact estimate

4. Working vacation

5. Rap music

6. Diet ice cream

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

8. Pretty ugly

9. Definite maybe

10. Tight slacks

11. Political science

12. Computer security

13. Terribly pleased

14. Plastic glasses

15. French bravery

16. Temporary tax increase

17. New classic

18. Peace force

19. Clearly misunderstood

20. Taped live

21. Passive aggression

22. Christian scientists

23. Synthetic natural gas

24. "Now, then..."

25. Childproof

26. Sweet sorrow

27. Extinct life

28. New York culture

29. Software documentation

30. Military intelligence

31. Butt head

32. Soft rock

33. Business ethics

34. Small crowd

35. Living dead

36. British fashion

37. Silent scream

38. Legally drunk

39. Alone together

40. Sanitary landfill

41. Government organization

42 Almost exactly

43. Same difference

44. Good grief

45. Airline food

46. Genuine imitation

47. Advanced BASIC

48. Resident alien

49. Found missing

50. Act naturally

New Internet Definitions

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

20. There's no place like

21. Know what to expect before you connect.

22. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

23. Speed thrills.

24. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Three men are sitting at a bar, drinking beer together. An old man walks into the bar and walks up to the man in the middle, and says, "I just had sex with your grandmother, and she is the best sex in town!!!" They ignore the old man ...

The old man weaves around a bit, and finally wanders off to the end of the bar, and orders a beer. Later, he stands up and points at the man in the middle, and says "I have had sex with a few women in my time, but your gramma is the best lay in town!!!" The three men look at each other, trying to ignore the little old man.

After another beer the old man gets up from his stool, and weaves his way over to the 3 men again. He shouts, "I am telling you there IS NO BETTER SEX than the sex I just had with your granny!!!" Finally, the man in the middle turns to the old man and says, "Go home, Grandpa. You're drunk again."

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